I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
