nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
