she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
