did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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