Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
