Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
