So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
a search helicopter?!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
