made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
