got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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