why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
there's paper in my vomit.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
