There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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