Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
