Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
