I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
