Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
