3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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