she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
