Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
