Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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