dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
