I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
