guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This is my gift to your gina
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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