life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
