[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
