Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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