my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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