There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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