How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
