my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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