I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
