I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
we're so committed to being not committed
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