I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
