To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
