So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
