highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
