I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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