He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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