She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
