just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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