I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Randomize
