Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
