If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Randomize
