So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Less talking, more tequila
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
