He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You ate ashes out of my bong
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
