can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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