Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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