I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
