I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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