Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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