Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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