I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
